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The
Divorce Mediation Answer Book : Save Time, Money, and Emotional Energy
With a Mediated Separation or Divorce
Why
Marriges Succed or Fail
Parenting
After Marriages End: How Mediation Can Help Shape a Plan
By
John W. Reiman, Ph.D.
Practitioner Member, Academy of Family Mediators
The divorce may soon be final, but even before the dust has settled, parents
will discover that one responsibility hasn't changed in the slightest:
Parents are still accountable for the well-being of their child. Because
of the child, both parents
are destined to participate in a lifelong relationship.
Let us remember, however, that this lifelong relationship does not have
to mean a personal relationship. Divorced spouses
need not choose to be friendly or even pleasant with each other. They
must, however, in the interest of the child, create a
safe and businesslike parenting arrangement. If they fail to do so, the
consequences for the children (and the adults) may be
devastating.
Psychological impact. Children suffer battle fatigue at the hands of their
clashing parents. When parents fail to think
about their children's real needs or decide to play child-chess, they
endanger their young person's healthy psychological
development. A child who feels like a bargaining chip not only suffers
a loss in self-esteem, but also wastes precious energy
that would be better spent on the tasks of growing up. Life at the edge
of the twenty-first century is challenging enough;
children of divorce hardly need to deal with their parents' inability
to make the shift from being spouses to parenting
partners.
Diminished social skills. To a child, imitation may be the greatest form
of flattery; he or she may repeat the parents'
behavior with other adults and with siblings and friends. Not surprisingly,
the parents' conflict and problem-solving styles
are often absorbed by children.
Danger to valuable relationships. Children's important ties to friends,
extended family, and neighbors are easily
overlooked, damaged, or broken by parents who are at war.
Diminished energy for parenting or for new relationships. Children of
divorce are not the only ones to suffer from their
parents' non-cooperation; the price for adults can be immense. Post-divorce
child-related skirmishes sap personal vitality
and sour the present or future primary relationships of each parent.
Loss of control to the legal system. When parents choose to place their
conflicts in the hands of the Court for resolution,
they are often surprised at their loss of control. Parents who relinquish
the privilege of making their own decisions must
realize that the agendas and rules of the legal system are designed to
minimize, not expand, parental choices, options, and
control in post-divorce child rearing arrangements.
Drained bank accounts. Lost productivity in the workplace, legal expenses,
or paying for psychotherapists all drain the
bank accounts of non-cooperating parents. Profound long-term consequences
far outstrip any short-term gratification
gained from righteous battle.
So how do ex-spouses who wish to have little or nothing to do with one
another move toward a businesslike cooperative
parenting plan? What can they do to protect their child's absolute right
to love and be loved by both parents? Speaking
from the viewpoint of a professional mediator who places the needs of
the children high on any negotiating list, I offer
the following suggestions.
Try mediation. Mediation offers a non-threatening and, when compared to
Court procedures, a less expensive way
(emotionally and economically) to answer these questions. A mediator is
not only neutral, he or she is trained to help
people find realistic solutions to their conflicts in a confidential setting.
Experienced mediators can structure their sessions
to deal with couples' power imbalances, strengths/weaknesses as negotiators,
and special needs.
Keep expectations realistic. Mediation is never an uncontrolled screaming
free-for-all; it is a structured process. Mediators
do not make or rush people's decisions; they help couples consider options
and develop agreements. Nothing that is said in
mediation can give the other party an edge in divorce Court proceedings;
the mediator is prohibited from disclosing any
mediation discussion to anyone (except in cases where injury to self or
others is present/planned). Finally, mediation is not
personal or marriage counseling; mediators do not focus on saving marriages
or conducting psychotherapy.
Create a parenting plan. A mediator helps parents create a plan through
a well-defined and structured process. After
gathering information (fact-finding), he or she helps parents define the
problems, generate options to solve them, and
negotiate the options to reach the best possible mutual agreement. A qualified
mediator can help parents, separately or
together, recast an unhealthy spousal relationship into a functional parenting
structure (that can include little or no
personal relating or contact). Mediators can help non-communicative parents
side-step their personal grievances. The task
of the mediator is to awaken the parties' wisdom and creativity toward
developing a practical businesslike arrangement for
supporting their most vulnerable and cherished interest--the children.
A vital early step in the process is to help each parent redefine their
positions from self-interests to mutual interests.
Conflict has a way, over time, of forcing parents into frozen positions
supported by powerful emotional demands. The
deep freeze may thaw when parents see that their ultimate self-interest
(their child's welfare) is also a mutual interest. A
mediator can help parents move from separate to joint consideration of
their child's welfare.
Should parents fail to mutually consider their child's needs in divorce
planning, the process will fall to the Court, and the
Court will dictate what is in the child's "best interest." Through
mediation, parents who know the most about their children
can develop a plan that is customized to meet their child's unique needs.
The Court, on the other hand, frequently imposes
generic schedules and conditions. For example, the Court rarely has time
to design a divorce decree that accounts for the
special value children and their parents may place on particular holidays,
vacations, or observances. Only a child's parents
can know how to schedule essential and nourishing time with grandparents,
uncles, aunts, and cousins. Educational,
religious, medical, and health issues are best decided by parents. When
divorcing parents allow the Court to decide their
child's "best interest," they give up too much.
Craft a schedule. By blending parents' newly discovered mutual interests
with their own self-interests, mediation's next task
is to craft a mutually acceptable schedule and set of guidelines that
can be followed in a non-personal, businesslike manner.
Details must be "nailed-down." "Loose ends" left untied,
murky expectations, fuzzy schedules, and unclear boundaries
ironically pull ex-spouses into more--not less--struggle. As moths are
drawn to fire, so recovering spouses haplessly
re-engage in their patterned struggles. Absolute structure eliminates
much of the conflict mill's grist. Finely tuned details
provide the tools for breaking the fruitless cycle of child-unfriendly
conflict.
Mediation offers the following building blocks on which parents and children
of divorce can build a healthy post-divorce
future:
A plan that ensures safe and easy transitions for all family members (i.e.,
neutral locations, use of third-parties at pick-ups
and drop-offs)
An exact parenting schedule with "what-ifs" (dealing with child
illness, transportation problems, pick-up and drop-off
lateness)
A plan for meeting children's expenses (clothing, school supplies, extracurricular
activities)
A communication arrangement (if, how often, and by what rules family members
will have face-to-face, phone, written, or
e-mail communication to discuss what kinds of issues; how not to use the
children as intermediaries)
Resource recommendations (books, community classes, support groups) for
explaining divorce to children, helping them
understand they are not to blame and that they do not have to choose between
parents
Referrals to attorneys for legal information and assistance (Mediation
is not a substitute for legal advice.)
Referrals to other professionals (counselors, therapists, clergy) experienced
in working with issues related to personal and
family adjustment to divorce
Step-by-step crisis planning such as when one parent moves out (how to
schedule parenting times and communicate at the
time of separation)
Other plans that prepare children and parents for changes in residence
and family identity
Ideas for communicating divorce information to co-workers, relatives,
friends, and extended family (how to convey
information to others and how to deal with their opinions and feedback)
Details for visits with extended family (grandparents, aunts, uncles,
cousins, and others)
Child travel plans between parents (transportation modes, schedules, etc.)
Any plan, however, must never compromise the physical safety of a family
member. In a few cases, victimization is
inevitable, and an absolute severance of all contact is required. Nonetheless,
for the vast majority of cases, the mediation
process holds immense promise.
Mediation places people in control of their lives. It benefits the children
by lessening conflict and helping parents be better
role models. It is speedier and less costly than litigation. It promises
absolute confidentiality and thus avoids public airing
of personal problems.
Parents are obligated to cooperate, but this cooperation does not require
maintaining painful or dysfunctional
relationships. On the contrary, the skillful tools of a mediator can transform
conflict into enduring, solid, business-like
cooperation.